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No class this morning but this afternoon wasnapos;t canceled so, Iapos;m finishing up the homework this morning while Iapos;m at work and then maybe Iapos;ll get a nap before class at 2....so, letapos;s see, that means I need to be awake at noon to get a shower.

Then this evening is the meet and greet at the super mall.

I�think that mediation for us would be a very good idea. Itapos;s really hard for me to let go of a lot of the anger and learn to trust again.

Iapos;m having a hard time not pushing conversation and reconciliation. I�want us to be better. Intellectually, I know itapos;s going to take time. Emotionally, I�have knots in my stomach and knots in my shoulders. Unfortunately, I donapos;t know how to get us into counseling without us being on the same coast, so it waits. I�donapos;t want to just drop the conversation about where we are going and what we can expect from each other in the interim.

I�know that the ideal is to have no expectations. I canapos;t manage that and plan for the future. I guess what Iapos;m asking for here is that I can continue to have the expectation that we will continue to work on and talk about our relationship. I want to talk more about our additional relationships and how they effect us. That seems to be our biggest conflict. Well, mine at least because you donapos;t seem to have any issue with who I�see and when. Iapos;m not saying that I want you to have issues with who I see. I�think that finding out why I have issues with who you see is a good idea but it is not solely that Iapos;m jealous, possessive and crazy.

Okay, MUST get homework done.


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So yesterday went ok. My classes went fine, and I found out that my grade on the physics exam was exemplary. Modeling went ok too, but the homework looks pretty long for this week. Afterward I got dinner and went to council. Had to be there forever because all these idiots skipped the retreat and we need to decide what to do with people. After that was layout for the Green Print, which went fine. Came back, slept. Got up, gym, class soon.



















-the Daan



















Tip of the Day: Donapos;t skip out on obligations.
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From a car ride this evening:

"You can get a degree in political science if you want. But if you do, I will restrict how your sodium and meats."
"You mean, youapos;ll make me choose between political science and bacon?"
"Exactly. I donapos;t want you to have a heart attack during a moment of spite."
"Easy- bacon."

Later, she said I could get a degree in theater, and she knows Iapos;m full of myself, but sheapos;s not sure Iapos;m full of myself enough to be an actor.

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Well, Athenaapos;s people are really ready to dump her "NOW".� Weapos;re not really sure what to do.� Cass and Athena donapos;t get along well (Cass is kind of a jerk, truth be known, a hassler of epic proportions) and Iapos;m not excited about spending the rest of Cassapos; life yelling at her.� Who knows how long that will be; she had a coughing fit in the middle of the day the other day, it seemed like she had something caught in her throat and it was "normal" coughing but who knows.� Still no coughing in the middle of the night, I dread the day it comes.

So not sure what to do about Athena.� I wasnapos;t ready to get another Dobe; thatapos;s why we got Ten instead.� To avoid all the health issue heartbreak.� Of course, we do already love Athena and it would be really hard to say goodbye to her.

Canapos;t say Iapos;m thrilled about the situation.��

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The bad thing about going through an old journal is KNOWING whatapos;s going to happen in the future, and yet youapos;re powerless to stop it. I was flipping through old entries in an old LJ and I was reading through certain ones with a terrible knot in my stomach, just knowing that these big black...lulls were lurking around the corner. And I never told anyone about them, because itapos;s not something that I wanted to share. Itapos;s not as though I think my life is going to be fantastic from now on (because it wonapos;t be), but itapos;s just--Itapos;s not good. Iapos;ve been in a lousy mood all weekend, half on the verge or tears and half with a storm cloud over my head, because Iapos;ve been reliving the past and just putting myself in a terrible mindset. I need to stop doing this to myself.

I had to delete it because there were too many ghosts lurking in there.

On another note, some of you (those who know me from way, way, way back when) may remember I knew this creepy guy who refused to leave me alone. Guess what? HEapos;S BACK. Jesus H. Christ. Like, heapos;s emailed me the other day. In the past, heapos;s left LJ comments and sent numerous emails and I JUST IGNORED HIM because I previously told him, "I donapos;t want to be friends with you anymore Stop Leave me alone Youapos;re creepy" and he keeps going and going and going. If by chance he stumbles upon this: LEAVE ME ALONE. I donapos;t want to be friends with you anymore Stoooooop. If I want to be friends with you, Iapos;ll tell you. I probably wonapos;t friend you on LJ, because I have phobias about that (even if I know you), but Iapos;ll tell you if I want to be friends. I donapos;t want to be friends with him. I just want him out of my life for good. Is that too much to fucking ask?

Onto the lighter things. In searching my old entries, I learned that the first classic movie I wrote about was: Indiscreet (1958):

I watched "Indiscreet" (a movie from 1958 with Ingrid Bergman and Cary Grant) tonight and I cried at the end. Itapos;s not a sad movie by any means, but the ending was just so sweet and before I knew it, the tears were welling up and I was honking like a maniac. Iapos;m such a sucker for "happy ending" movies like that. I might not seem the type, but I am. But shhhh, donapos;t tell anyone. It will ruin my reputation as a super cold bitch.

I still cry at the ending of sad movies. Limelight with Charlie Chaplin and Claire Bloom? Tears pouring down my face. The Ghost and Mrs. Muir? Floods of tears. Iapos;m such a girl. And I hate crying in front of others.

And lastly this completely puzzles me:

February 23, 2005: And over the weekend, I ordered myself a hot pink trenchcoat and some blouses from Old Navy.

I have no idea what hot pink trenchcoat Iapos;m talking about. I have no hot pink trenchcoat in my closet. I didnapos;t know you could even buy a hot pink trenchcoat I must have ordered it though, because it says so and now Iapos;m just confused, because I have no memory of ordering it or even seeing it on the website. Like, thatapos;s an article of clothing that you would remember, wouldnapos;t you?
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